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Don't want to end up a cartoon in a cartoon graveyard.

1,051 Following   415,786 Followers   6,452 Tweets

Join Twitter 3/25/08

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Got tix to see some guy named "LA Phil" at the Hollywood Bowl. Hope he can shred.
10/31
2014
@LauraBenanti I'd like to have the "now" perspective, the "then" butt, and the "50 years from now" license to say whatever the fuck I want.@JennyJohnsonHi5 Marcello said "They really fucked this up" when we got the wrong order at Burger King the other day. Close?
10/30
2014
When I don't wear makeup, I look exactly like Paul Dano in a wig from a sex shop.@MysteryVP 'Bout to.I love when celebs talk about clean living and toxins and their faces are full of Sculpy.@MysteryExec "Those lunch meetings with the toy company are going to be epic."Kelis was talking about shaking her boobs, right? Still unclear on this.
10/28
2014
Remember that Backstreet Boys video where they were hot Halloween monsters and you couldn't stop masturbating and it was college?@Lysdexicia You're nice!Thank God a woman is acting "bubbly" and happy again! http://t.co/IMeDWKU9zr
10/22
2014
There is something wrong with my iPhone camera that makes me look kind of busted and maybe like an alcoholic.@julieklausner This is exactly what I wanted to say to @MonicaLewinsky, but you put it way better than I could have.
10/21
2014
@the_hoyk I'm from Chicago! 😉Help, I still don't know if I'm Dharma or Greg
10/20
2014
@jeffytee what is team@tobyherman27 dan and I are literally doubled over in laughter at this response@tobyherman27 did you see the show where billy hufsey was like "Daddy's back!" Please say yesJOIN ME IN APARTMENT #228... IT'S EVEN COOLER THAN 227 AND MARY ISN'T RUINING SHIT@SarahSoWitty @JackeeHarry #228 #NextLevel@LucindaLunacy ilyThere is NOTHING that saddens more than a loud female with a quiet ponytail.
Retweeted by Diablo Cody@louisvirtel OH MARRRRRRY #228 #NEXTLEVEL@louisvirtel HI@tobyherman27 💯@LoreneScafaria @jeffytee I feel like you're not seriouz 4⃣2⃣0⃣#vape@LoreneScafaria @jeffytee I kno@LoreneScafaria @jeffytee hi guys@jeffytee but who's drunk, seriously@jeffytee I bet you can't guess!!!Guess who's drunk
10/18
2014
@sethgs YASS@tobyherman27 I was apparently the only person here who knew the choreo.@bojowbebeh I wish.I really respect this airport for playing Martika in the terminal.@MissBrittHayes That is awesomely nice, thank you! Sounds good to me...
10/17
2014
@JasonReitman I know! Fake as hell! ❤️
10/16
2014
Shouldn't those signs just say "Laugh, Love"? If you can read it, you're presumably alive.
10/15
2014
Girl, you're never "out of the woods" with an English rock star. His 4th wife when he's 80 will be out of the woods, MAYBE.
10/14
2014
If you're having a stressful day, perhaps this will help: Carol Burnett is aging well and looks great.
Retweeted by Diablo Cody@LosFelizDayCare Thought this account was going dark on Columbus Day out of respect for indigenous ppls? Pls explain, my Halo is confused.
10/13
2014
@Sw33tDickWillie I'm like 11 words into this and loving it so far.Ebola? Try applying organic coconut oil to the rectum.@NiaVardalos 3 of the 5 of us have Hand, Foot & Mouth Disease in a tiny 1 bathroom apartment. I'm gonna need something stronger. (MISS YOU!)Alcohol is like putting on life-canceling headphones.
10/12
2014
@jeffytee I know; it seems like everyone is adding copper highlights to their ombré for the fall season!@SugarMichael @Sw33tDickWillie @SarahSoWitty @MysteryExec All we need now is a smokin' hot-yet-competent redhead... oh wait.@Sw33tDickWillie @SarahSoWitty @MysteryExec @SugarMichael I feel like I'm the Shaggy in this investigation (useless).@bdgrabinski Ha ha, I thought it was really him who faved me at first and I was like "Yikes!"We get it, you like your kid.Consider @robertmarbury's Taxidermy Art: http://t.co/7lXFjjgA7i It's funny & entertaining and strange and cool and u learn about taxidermy
Retweeted by Diablo Cody
10/11
2014
@IMDb @Behr00z1 @JasonReitman I sure hope so!@AmandaR08123757 Thank you Amanda! That is so nice. Xo@SSmith1138 Happy 25th!Yeah, but standing INSIDE the fire probably isn't the best idea either.
10/10
2014
Jan Hooks and her characters were quoted a LOT around my house growing up. RIP to an amazing performer.We are having a good time on "Ricki and the Flash," man. This Jonathan Demme kid can DIRECT!@jillsoloway YASS QUEEN!
10/9
2014
@TaraAriano I wish I could voice-post because I LEGIT do the best "Oooh Mary." It's like my only thing.@IanKarmel UNGARGLE@IanKarmel Actually laughing out loud.Is there an actual Hamilton Beach and do they have smoothies
10/7
2014
Take a moment to thank your anus for all the years it's been working.I told my mom that the polar bear at the Central Park Zoo died, and she non-jokingly, very seriously said "Suicide?"
10/6
2014
When I met you, I saw everything. I know you now.
10/5
2014
@LoreneScafaria ❤️@bdgrabinski With a special featurette about the film's German influences.@bdgrabinski HA!!! We've grown as a society since then!@DrGMLaTulippe I don't want to live in a world where a scary doll movie flops.
10/4
2014
@GoIntoTheStory Thank you!There's so much written about which directors are the most talented, but not enough about who's cutest.Madonna's Instagram is amazing. She writes things like "Icon!" and "Slayyyy" ABOUT HERSELF.@eliroth There is no way you're Gryffindor, sorry. See you in the common room.I'm pretty sure most of you already guessed this, but I'm officially coming out as Slytherin.
10/3
2014
Remember when that study came out & said men get aroused from vanilla, and then we all walked around smelling like boring cookies for 5 yrs?
9/30
2014
I was really excited to try on a fake "scarf lady" persona in New York but it's like 80 here.
9/29
2014
Bill Clinton can be my grandpa, if you know what I'm saying.@JessGrose I have a terrible fairy on my ass and I let people try to guess what it used to be.@JessGrose So much tribal, and the moms with faded lizards and yin yangs and ankle-daisies.
9/27
2014
@MIKESNEDEGAR BESTI have baes of the week undies.#transparentTV is finally here! Stream all episodes now: http://t.co/2RGvhYiqjY
Retweeted by Diablo Cody
9/26
2014
Please RT this essay I wrote for @GQMagazine during #ProstateCancerAwareness month. @BlueCure #ForMyDad http://t.co/N3AhyjE8gm
Retweeted by Diablo Cody
9/25
2014
REPEAT STUFF MUSIC VIDEO. THIS ONE IS FOR MY FANS I LOVE YOU ALL SO MUCH XOXOXO I AM SO #BLESSED AND #HUMBLED. https://t.co/I5dcTxHWfY
Retweeted by Diablo Cody@octaviaspencer miss you & congratulations on #RedBandSociety!You can slap the adjective "calming" on just about any product and parents will buy the shit out of it.@julieklausner I'm attracted to Marnie in the Pan drag, tbh@garywhitta @johngary She was actually like 8 years older than the dad and looked great!@johngary @garywhitta Emily Valentine, Dylan, Brenda, Kelly, Clare, Val, Brandon, David, Cindy, Nat, Andrea, Jim@birdofyouth @fuggirls WHAT@fuggirls I just realized I'm the same age as Catherine O'Hara in "Home Alone," which isn't so bad, except I act like Kevin.@fuggirls This is REALLY hard to accept, right?@helloross Happy birthday, Ross! You're older than Jim Walsh now!I'm older than Jim.GUYS! GUYS! James Eckhouse (Jim Walsh) was 35 when "90210" started! I'm gonna go kill myself, bye!@taradublinrocks I would rather impress my kids than a dude!@AndyMilonakis I'm gonna yak!I'm sorry I can't stop tweeting about chicken.There is a recipe for "engagement chicken" but I can't find a recipe for "leave me the fuck alone with my magazine."
9/24
2014
"I guess I'll have... SEX ON THE BEACH! (uproarious laughter)" -- first customer ever to order it
9/23
2014
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